"When life throws shit at you, throw it back in handfuls and laugh at its face." What if I'm just too tired to throw back shit? Or too sick to make lemonade?
Even though blocks are now over already, I think in fact I feel sadder than I was before blocks. I know I will pretty much screw all the subjects for blocks, because for chem, I didn't manage to have time to finish the essay questions. For math, I literally anyhow did the questions because I just DONT KNOW HOW TO DO. And for bio, I thought I was going to get an A before I saw that I didn't complete ONE ENTIRE QUESTION worth 15 marks. It was such a slap in the face. I feel like it's nearly everytime that I try to put in effort and time real hard to work for something, I just fail to get it. Blocks is going to ruin everything. When my results come back, I'll probably get scolded by my parents...even if they don't scold me, I'll know what they will probably be thinking, because they just got the phone bill today. And apparently, I had more than 1320 mins worth of call time from 18 May to 19 June.
I was shocked by the amount of time I spend calling people too. So if everything falls apart, I have nobody and no other factors to blame but myself. As usual. It doesn't make things easier that my parents are arguing again...and that my dad is being a bastard. He is forever using the com to play weiqi and he'll just not talk to anyone and sit there for hours playing. He doesn't do housework, he doesn't help my mum with things, he doesn't want to talk...yeah basically he's just being a jerk. I'm sorry if you find it offensive to insult my own father, but that's the way it is.
I thought a get together dinner at wm's house will bring my moods up after blocks but apparently that was a flop. I just can't get over the fact that I'm so lousy. And although I really have to thank him for the dinner and all, cos whenever I'm there, I lose the sense of time...and that's a great feeling (: But talking to Wayne for several hours made me realise that I'm so mediocre and average...and I don't even have confidence in myself for the dream that I have; which is to get into Ivy League on a scholarship. It seems so unrealistic at this point. Scholarship+Ivy League are for those people with straight A's, great CCA record, fantastic portfolio overstuffed with CIP hours, leadership experiences, workshops and whatnot...for people like ch_l_ng, not me.
I am...just someone struggling to stay afloat in the choppy waves of life.
And I shall leave you with a quote -
"the saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. you know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, “no, I’m happy for you”? that’s when it’s really sad.”
— john mayer
Seems to me that I'm not really that sad yet...because my tear ducts just can't seem to release a stream of fluid that is enough for me to express the depth of my disappointment.
