Une fille comme moi

how did it come to this

Sunday, October 18, 2009, 2:47 AM

I honestly don't know where to start. I don't understand why the relationship between me and my mum is like so strained right now. I have this feeling that if my mum was someone I met in school, we probably won't talk to each other cos our personalities just clash. I didn't mean to hurt her nor did I meant for it to come to this, the way she said we are - just arguing whenever we talk - bcos I treat her really bad. I don deny that the generation gap comes into play and sometimes I just get really cranky and don't talk to my parents nicely. I always get very irritated cos it's like I can't seem to have a proper conversation with them cos half of the time I'll need to repeat myself and/or explain to them what certain words mean or what's the thingy that's going on in school and the like. Maybe you can argue that the reason I need to explain is cos I don't talk to them often enough to understand but it's more of like cos they've never been through the Singapore education systems and know nuts about it and I just can't seem to find stuff to talk about to them unlike so many of my girlfriends.

So I'm venting it out all here by writing a letter to my mum (sorry if you can't bear this just skip it)

I have never meant for things to become this bad. I have never meant to hurt you. I don't know what to do. You know sometimes I just can't control how I feel or the things I say...and I'm...sorry. Really. You know actually I've started to plan for your bday even before promos. I thought about baking you a cake, I got my dad to sponsor me for the cake tin, I started browsing through dozens of baking websites looking for the perfect recipe, and I got down to buying the ingredients one week before your bday next Sunday. I really put thought into this whole affair and I thought I'm going to give you a good bday even despite all the mean things you said to me. Even though you scolded me like shit on my bday.

Do you know how tiring it is to live with you and your fiery temper since I was born? When I was small and when you screamed at me for the slightest things, I'll always end up crying the way I am now. And now it seems like both of us have the same shifty temper and so you tell me you'll rather die than be at my beck and call. You are not my maid. And that if I continue to treat you badly we can end up not talking to each other, I'll move out when I turn 18, and we can just carry on with each others' lives as though I was never your daughter. And oh, you tell me until I learn how to speak to you politely I can forget about getting my allowance or any other payment that needs to be made by you.

Well thank you, I am really speechless and helpless. Sometimes I am really so sick and drained by you. We just can't get along. I can't tell share with you the clothes I bought cos you hate shopping and don't like the way I dress. You don't like having your makeup or nails done. You scream as long as you think I'm being disrespectful to you. Do you really think raising voices will intimidate me and help to mitigate the situation or even make yourself feel better? Do you really think cutting my finances will change the way I feel?

Sometimes I really hate having to rely on you for money because I'd always feel like it's still not my money and so I can't spend it on whatever I please. Without financial freedom leaves me so vulnerable to having to obey almost everything you say. It's this idea of who ever is richer counts and since everything I have is financed by you, I should listen to everything you think is right or good for me, like eating fish for example.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Nor do I feel like having to further dicuss this with you 6 hours later. Please just leave me.

Freedom!

Sunday, October 11, 2009, 1:16 AM

Yesterday - or should I say the day before yesterday, since it's past 1.24AM now - was the end of promos finally! And it's funny, because this time after promos ended, I wasn't feeling as depressed as after blocks. Even though I may not necessarily do better in promos than blocks :/ You know after blocks even though I had like a post block party at wm's but then after the dinner I didn't talk to anyone much cept for Wayne cos I was moody. Gosh I haven't seen him in ages now. Or at least it seems so to me.

This time round, I can testify that I did put in effort, at least in math and chem and maybe econs. Screw bio D: But then for GP I didn't finish AQ, even though I had a good feeling about my essay. Econs: didn't finish case study and I think I missed out on impt points in my essay after comparing with addie. Chem: didn't finish the last question on rate, did the one on hydrogen-20 wrong, missed out on disproportion reaction in the front part, affecting the rest of the parts, and skipped two 3 marks questions that were completely doable. Oh and my definition of dynamic equilibrium is a confirm wrong, and so were the explanations relating to that question.

Math: I may just scrape an A if I get lucky, it was the only A I was really aiming for, so pleasepleasepleaseplease. Skipped like a bunch of qns that I wasn't sure of.

Bio: HAHAHAHA. Can someone just put 55 on my script and don't mark it? It was horrible.

So all in all, I DIDN'T FINISH DOING ANY SINGLE SUBJECT.

Now that I think of it, it does sound quite scary...because my target for overall was A B B B but now I'm only 50%-60% sure of getting it :/ Sigh. I hate getting back results. It's the worst thing on earth. That, right next to feeling fat and ugly.

Ok I shall not think about it anymore! Moving on, a list of all the fantastic fabulous plans I have for the holidays!

1. Lose 4-5 kg.

I'm approx 53kg, give or take a 1kg as weighed from my screwed up weighing scale. So I'm aiming to go for a 49kg, with a 1kg of buffer, should I ever fatten up again.

2. Buy a guitar and self learn!

Then I can finally play Nobody's Home and sing to it acoustically! Spotted cash converters selling a yamaha acoustic guitar at $89 :D Consulted wm and he said it's cheap but he hates yamaha. But it's alright, since I'm a beginner (:

3. Revamp my room!

Walls are too bare, cushions are thrown around too haphazardly and I need a writing table. Mmm I posted a photo of my room some time ago on my blog [here]. So the revamp will consist of mural painting (Le Tour d'Effiel, baby!), fairy lights or star shaped lights, painting my ceiling light the night and sticking glow in the dark stars on top, removing those two shelves that stick out and replace them with a fold out table with side lamp for my late night mugging habits.

4. Dye my hair?

HAHAHA this is only for fun, I don't really know whether I want to really dye it or not. If I eventually dye it, it's going to be chocolate brown. Yum.

5. Mug SATs! (needs no elaboration. I'll be memorising more than 1000+ new vocabulary like a PRC scholar.)

Anyway, after promos, me and Addie went to watch 500 days of summer and then shopped at bugis street. Or should I say I shopped, cos Addie didn't buy anything but I busted $69.50. Kudos to the impulsive shopper inside me!

Financial Damage Breakdown

$6.50 - movie

$7.90 - earcuff and a plasticheart clip [the ear cuff is worth every single penny, it's so freaking cool]

$12 manicure [yay for pretty nails! But I smudged it after I got it touching $200+ shoes at Aldo. Can't believe they take 2 hours to dry completely. After I got the mani at plaza sing, I realised that most of jurong point nail salons have express manis at $5-$6 ._.]

$10 lunch

$10 black quilted chain bag [love it to bits! It can even be carried like a bucket bag. No gold hardware? Doesn't matter, I'll be making a trip down to chinatown soon to get gold chains!]

$24.90 Asymmetrical knitted slouchy tank [wasn't unlike anything I've seen before, I love almost everything in that store! Especially their $29.90 vintage print dresses, which I'm too broke to afford all.]

$5.90 Satin ribbon hairband

Shopped till nearly 8pm, took mrt to jurong point to catch Inglorious Basterds, got home at 12am+.

Reviews of the two movies I watched!

500 days of summer

I love it right from the moment they started with the introduction of the girl blowing bubbles, her smile and the boy playing with water. And then Regina Spektor comes on and I knew this was going to be good. Yes, the OST is AWESOME. I just dled it, playing it over and over now.

What Summer said really made me think she's like a guy. We're young, we can just have fun, I don't need anybody to depend on, I just wanna keep it casual, nothing serious you know? And the part when Tom asked Summer what are we? And she said we're just friends. That part, is almost the same thing that I asked and got replied by him. Yes friends, friends don't just do the things we do. I always feel disgusted when I think about how he tried to get close to me, so certain parts of the movie really resonated with me. How he kept saying it was possible but yet not so at the same time, how I told him that it's not going to happen, but unwittingly exposed more and more of myself to him. Well, now I know. And to the next girl after me, please wake up soon.

But besides that, the movie was hilarious as well, but all in the right places. It makes you think about important things, like your belief in fate and "the one". I want to believe in fate and all that, but sometimes I feel like I don't have fate with fate, because if I did, it would've came knocking on my door now after 17 years of life.

Inglorious Basterds

Plot twists has never been made better than by Quentin Tarantino! The central theme is a plot twist that the German soldiers were terrorized by the Jews, Shoshana a Jew whose family was murdered by the Germans turned around and burnt all the Germans down, a German actress goes against her own country to plan a suicide bombing...and the last part, was just downright funny even with the gore. Really nice dark humour going on, not like anything I've seen before.

The only thing I didn't really like was Brad Pitt's weird accent.

Thanks for reading this far, my dears.

j'ai peur, mais je fais rien

Tuesday, September 29, 2009, 2:02 PM

"I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. they don’t teach you how to love somebody. they don’t teach you how to be famous. they don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. they don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. they don’t teach you how to move on when the one you love walks away from you. they don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. they don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. they don’t teach you anything worth knowing."

- Neil Gaiman

I skipped school today just to finish my work, so ironic.
And I only did one chem 08 paper, revised energetics and read through a bit of bio. Pathetic as usual. Can't get my motivation to focus and really absorb D: It's so frustrating! grrrr.

I need to breathe think behave like a sponge from now on!

Side note: My oatmeal diet is a flop as well, ever since my mum forced me to eat normal meals last weekend, I think my fat cells immediately started to blow up. Extremely irritating how you spent two weeks trying to lose a tiny bit of weight and then it all hits you back in the face. After promos I'm going to swim three times a week, cut my snacks intake and not eat any rice/stuff with high carbs! I don't believe I can't lose 5 kg.

Please press fast forward

Saturday, September 26, 2009, 12:23 AM

La vie est comme une bol de fraises

Life is like a bowl of strawberries. It looks so sweet but it's actually really sour.

Been meaning to blog for the longest time now...ever since I went to watch Coco Avant Chanel on the 13th. Je trouvais le film tres tres bon (: Serieusement. I think everyone who can appreciate fashion, french culture, loves to think, appreciates good music should watch the film. Audrey

Tautou was magnifique as usual, she goes into character so well (je veux voir Les Fabuleux Destins D'Amelie Poulain encore!) And the music composed by Alexandre Desplat was breathtaking, go and youtube L'abandon, it's my favourite track, the first that appeared in the film. And as usual too, french films always make me think and leaves me with a feeling of satisfaction and the feeling that I've gained something, besides the fact that I get to practice my french.

With promos looming slightly more than one week away, I don't know what to feel. I'm terrified at the prospect of it, actually. I didn't revise anything for GP, didn't memorise any pet topics/vocab, only revised three pathetic topics for bio, my math is still left with differentiation, integration and vectors, econs left with NIA/NID/FP, chem left with energetics, kinetics and equilibria. I have no idea how I'm going to pull through promos, much less do well. And everyday I get home I just tell myself if you want to get a H3 and a MSG of <2,>

voice inside my head that keeps on saying just imagine the feeling of crushing disappointment when you worked hard for nothing.

And then because I don't get enough sleep, I get cranky to my family and then after that I'll feel guilty. My mum is constantly scolding me for dieting...when I only eat oatmeal for one meal a day and for only 2 weeks so far. (I've lost around 1.5kg? I'm not sure though, the weighing scale at home is screwed up like me.) Promos is ruining me, it's screwing me upside down.

I am so scared. I don't want to drown.

Jelly Hearts

Monday, September 07, 2009, 1:12 AM

Mix the crumbles of my thoughts for you

Cos I'm thinking of you in all I do

Beat up a layer of cream cheese

Babe it's you that I miss.

You make me feel happy

You turn me into jelly

Crush me into powder

Boil me in water

For you I'll die hundred times and over;

All the juicy bits of berries,

Cut into hearts,

Each bit is just a little part

Of myself saying "Je t'aime."

Celebrated Addie's bday today...or rather, yesterday since it's past 12AM now already. Haha I'm really glad to see her so happy on her bday, I think she was really shocked to see all of us turn up at her doorstep! :D Special thanks to guenyikkk! For being so sweet to think up of the idea and call her mum and everything! Even Mr Liw turned up haha. I think outside of class, he is really just like another of us, because he loves computer gaming, chips and junk food, niaoing people and trying to matchmake people together. Oh man I really hopes he follows us up to next year!

Tomorrow is the official start of my september holidays...I must really really really work hard! WORK YOUR ASS OFF, GIRL. AND STOP THINKING SO MUCH OF STUPID IMMATERIAL THINGS! I'm becoming like one of those girls that are forever besotted with the idea of love, and that's bad. Laugh at me for all you want, Melly T_T

"It's all a matter of willpower."

And I wonder how many people read my blog, but just refuses to tag and show themselves!

What is this I'm feeling

Saturday, September 05, 2009, 12:37 AM

What is this I'm feeling

Not sleeping and thinking about you till 2 in the morning
Inching forward to embrace every minute detail of you.
Going over your face, your words, your smile...

Maybe this ain't love
Yes I think this is just another infatuation that will pass.
Maybe I'm not in love with you,
I'm in love with the concept of it.

Maybe I just need someone to hold me through my storms,
Tell me it's alright; I can sleep tight,
Love me and run his fingers through my hair.
Tell me I'm special I'm beautiful and every other incredible word that has never been used to describe me.
Hug me in the grass just looking at the stars,
Kiss me in the saltiness of the crashing waves,
Dry my tears, erase my fears ;
make me feel happy and warm and blissful like there's nothing else I would ever need.

Babe you must understand that everyone needs their fairytales.

Teacher's day shortened this tiring week by 2 days, I'm really grateful for it...Going back to nanyang on teacher's day made me realise how wonderful our Nanyang teachers were. Esp Ms van Dijk! She's still so happy and funny! Seeing her always make me laugh. Used to think that Nanyang was really stressful...but as compared to hwachong, it'll probably seem like a sanctuary. School's really getting very tiring nowadays, I'm struggling just to get by each day, and even that seems like an arduous task.

I'm going into full mugging mode soon for promos, I must psyche myself up for it D: ARGH. And I must stop thinking of meaningless things when I'm seating at my table studying.

Now that I've gotten past it all and sorted out my social mess, I've gotten onto another track. Stupid girl, you really need to control yourself! But I would really like to see him jump, even though it lasts for only 6 seconds, just like the other pretty things that frizzle away into nothingness ):

you break your neck to keep your chin up

Friday, August 21, 2009, 11:32 PM

That's the chorus of a Copeland song. I'm so glad I discovered Copeland and Rachael Yamagata, they have got to be the best indie artistes ever. I swear I owe my life entirely to music.

These days are getting more and more tiring and repetitive and hard. My fuse is going to frizzle out anytime soon...you know at the start of every new year, I feel so recharged and energised, and for the first 3 months I put utmost effort in literally everything I do? But now at this period of time I just feel so tired of everything. My family, my relationship with him and my disgusting lack of self-discipline. Not good with a grotesque monster labelled "PROMOS" looming only less than 2 months away. Have wanted to blog on me and Addie's shopping trip to ION on national day eve, the 1kg giant cadbury milk chocolate bar my mum brought back from UK, my new itouch, the photos I took of berries...and so much more things I wanted to express but just didn't manage to.

I wonder how many people yearned to express themselves, to shout, to burnburnburn that blazing flame buried deep within their hearts...but they didn't. Because they were too busy with the stupid routine of their lives, afraid and scared, strange and unprepared to do whatever they want to do. I don't understand why we all need to waste away the prime time of our youths trapped everyday in schools, learning things that we'd probably all forget in the next 10 years. But right now all I care about is that two lecture tests next week, and subsequently promos. Because that is what matters, what everyone is working towards, what the society expects of you. But is that what you really expect of yourself? Do you really enjoy working yourself to bone for "a brighter future"?

Today, talking for an hour long with you again made me question myself again what you really mean to me. I can live without you in my life, but it's begining to feel kind of hollow without you around. Without your stupid crap to crack me up. Even though all my friends and even your friends have warned me against you and I myself know that it was reckless of me to expose myself to you. Even though I know that all good things are going to come to an end, I still went forth and did it. Why? After what you did, I thought I was going to think I HATE YOU, YOU'RE A BASTARD. I did, for less than a day. And then it went back to feeling hurt and stupid and lost.

I should've known, boys always break your hearts.

But maybe the journey was worth it.