Une fille comme moi

happi chinese new year!!!! =D

Thursday, January 26, 2006, 5:07 PM

yayyyyyyy!! 2dae was cny concert...n i performed!! =p n better news: tmr oso no sch!! stay at home train my ms mage den la8 half of e dae get 2 meet my 6i frenz!!!!! whooooooooo i dun tink tmr can get any better!! ~jiggle jiggle do e celebrating dance~ hmm i'm a little hyper 2day.

havent blogged in more den 10 days. here i am again 2 revive my blog =))) ning kept pestering mi 2 change bac e music..okie, shall do it ltr. since e start of sch, my depression seemed 2 fade into busy-ness. either dat or i'm truely cured of depression. i've apparently fallen in luc wif jay chou's new songs. dey rockkkk!! up to date, i haf 5 sias alredy...nex time i get real fed-up, i'll complain 2 e sch. both bout dat heng toad n e amt of sias. our sch really noes 2 gif us fake hopes n make use of us. dey sae dat there will b lesser sias dis year but instead i tink there's e same amt but even mroe difficult n complicated 2 do. sighhh. i tink my brain is has froze n is uncapable of tinking my innermost tots...

y is it dat i find all my pri sch ppl so nice n get along so well wif them? y is it dat i get along better wif choir ppl n dey all liked mi better? is it simply bcos i spent lesser tym wif them n dunno them really well? but some of them...i c them almost everydae. i noe them quite welllll...n dey all like mi alot...so y not my class ppl? y is it spilt into cliques?? y is life so damn hard? sighhhhh. cant we all b nice 2 one another? not let those cliques be so obvious? cant we all jus hang out in one gigantic grp?? r females really bitches when dey r mad? r dey really e one dat hurt ppl e most by backstabbing n hurting ppl emotionally? so many stupid questions wif no answers...i wish God'll make my life easier..

jus when i tot things r gettin betterr...

Saturday, January 14, 2006, 2:13 PM

jus when i tot things r gettin better in sch, i was more bonded wif ppl den i was in sec 1 n more accepted n all, things got worse at home. yesterdae was fridae e 13th. n unlucky stuff had not started happening till i got 2 home. n bcos i was tired, i din greet my mum or anything when she opened e door 4 mi. i jus sliipped inside silenctly n emotionlessly. n den she started yellin at mi 4 dat fuckin little thing. i sat from 6.45pm to 7.45pm thru her stupid "talks". one whole hour wasted, one hour of crap. i din eat my dinner cos i was 2 disorientated 2 eat. all bcos of dat bitch. i went 2 bed at 10.45pm cos i had 2 fake slp in order 2 shut her up. n i listened 2 "shut up" by simple plan(u get wad i mean) n 2day, BOTH my parents yelled at mi. as if having one yellin is not gd enuf. but it was my mum who persisted in screaming after my dad had stopped(he only stopped cos it was lunch time~roll eyes~) n during lunch my mother kept going at mi till my dad had 2 yell at her 2 shut e hell up. only dat she didnt so my dad had no choice but 2 storm out of e hse. can u believe dat????? n she tinks dat I was e one wif attitude problem. puhleeeeezz...

i dun get wadda hell she wants. i dunno wad she's drivin at but all i noe is dat she has gone 2 far. n she tells mi dat love hafta b 2 ways. she sae dat i cant b ignorant of all e things dat they're doing 4 mi n if i kip disrespectin them, she's gonna blow n make my life hell. i dun mind n i'm not afraid. go ahead if dat's wad u wanna do. let's do dis thing e hard way. let's haf a WAR. let's make each others' lives miserable. let's turn dis into a vicious cycle of tears n yelling. i wun shrink bac. n i noe exactly wad i'm doing. i dun wan my life 2 b controlled. dat's all i wan. i wan u kip ur goddamn mouth shut, 2 get out of my face. let's haf real fun. i only haf one question 2 ask God: y mus i b born in e hse wif dis bitch n bastard as parents???? dey dun understand, neither do i. n i'm not gonna make things easier.

i suggest dey get parenting lessons b4 dey talk 2 mi nex time. or e whole family might as well go 4 counselling. i cant help it n it's not gonna work or make mi easier 2 control if they're gonna yell at mi e whole time. ~roll eyes~

is a happy persceptive so hard 2 maintain??

Tuesday, January 10, 2006, 9:50 PM

rite...after last blog's biggg announcement dat i will try 2 stop being pessimistic, i now had doubts bout myself. apparently 2dae morn i woke up wif a gr8 mood...i played my piano n revised sc n was a goody-2-shoes till my mum screamed at mi. aniwae i 4got wad she screamed 4 cos i was so damn used 2 her yellin her head off bout e tiniest trival thing le. okie, so she jus yelled at mi 2 do sumthing den i din bother 2 do it...so she got a little irritated. n den my dad, who hates 2 haf yellin in e hse(he wans every1 2 b happi happi n haf a quiet peaceful envrionment) told my mum not 2 yell. so in e end my mum got arguing wif my dad n diverted her yellin 2 him instead of MI. den i cant concentrate wif unneeded background yellin so i screamed at THEM 2 shut up. so my mum turned 2 scream at mi 4 screamin at THEM(ohh wad e heck...) wadeva. so it was lyk e a full hse of hysterical ppl screamin their heads off. n i really got pissed n frustrated of all e yellin 2 e extent dat i scolded e f word. den my dad was mad cos he wan mi 2 b dis sweet little innocent creature who was not supposed 2 noe any swear words n even if do noe any, not use them. he had jus woven an exact opposite replica of mi.

after all dat yellin, it was time 2 go out cos we had dis appointment wif frenz 2 go eat jap buffet. once i found my fren i immediately gushed out all e swear words of my parents 2 her n i felt much much better. phewwww...so i had a really nice time eating tempura,fried tofu, desserts, teriyaki chicken etc...i eat till my stomach felt lyk bursting. i practically stuffed my face wif food lol...make mi feel lyk such a glutton. n bcos my mum reserved seats in e restaurant so we got e so-called "special vip seats". there was a HALF-CANOPY BED full of cushions n stuffies n boosters!!! i nearly shrieked wif joy n fell asleep rite dere!!! i luvvvvvree e restaurant bcos of dat. after all e eating, it was time 2 take a walk so we went chinatown!! thank god dat it stopped raining dat time...we din really buy anything we jus looked around. n it was so damn crowded!! all e sparkly stuff 2 hang up in ur hse n e new year sparklers n plants n food but i jus cant eat anymore cos i was 2 full. n i din eat dinner 2 =D welllll i guess besides e yellin n everything i consider dis quite a gr8 day =) let's do it all over again complete wif e yellin!

raindrops n teardrops

Sunday, January 08, 2006, 5:15 PM

it has been raiining 4eva...ever since i started my dae. sighh. last nite i slp at 12 midnite den wake at 11am. heex...den on my way bac 2 home from piano lesson e rds flooded n i take off my shoes n wade thru e water barefooted. i swear nex time it kips raining lyk dis i'll walk in e rain barefooted again without an umbrella. i'm crazi de rite? i wonder where e rain comes from...it has been raining 4 more den 6hrs nonstop le. mayb God has accumilated so much tears dat He decided 2 cry them all 2day.

my life's improving le...i jus realized how many ppl cared bout mi in class n how nice dey r. in sec 1 i always felt left out n haf a feelin dat some ppl r always backstabbing mi n i feel unwelcome or even alienated from e class. i tried 2 blend in wif ppl n get into one of those little grps but i always feel extra in btw e ppl. lyk how i'm jus taggin along only but not really considered as on person in e grp. e ppl in my grp treat mi nice but it's not in a true frenz way...dey jus treat mi nice as in a awkward way lyk in e way adults smile n act polite n nice in front of other ppl whom dey dun really like but u can sorta c dat their hospitality is strained. i'm glad 4 myself dat i no longer feel such a strong feeling of being left out n i guess my mood from depressed has gone up much higher now dat i found such fun ppl as frenz. i still cant say dey as good as my p6 frenz, but at least dat's a start. i wish dat dis nice wondrous feeling will neva go away.

i'm startin 2 tink dat dis yr is really gonna b quite a nice year, thou i noe dat i'll definitely meet some rough n bumpy roads along e way...but i tink i'm gonna try 2 look on e better side. jus lyk dat bk i read. bad things r always gonna b bad things but if u look at it in a better pt of view mayb it wun seem so bad...at least it's better den feeling so down all e time. from now own, i've gotten rid of my old shell n came out of my shadow...no more is dere gonna b a storm cloud hanging over my head!!

one of e worst daes in my crappy life

Friday, January 06, 2006, 8:32 PM

i had one of e most sucky daes of all e other damn crazi daes in my life. all went well till 4pm when our choir conductor came. once she came in, she jus started scolding us after she heard dat we cant go choir olympics. n i dun get y. cos she alredy noe dat our numbers r not enuf n she alredy told us dat we carnt go last practice...so y is she blowing her top over such a thing?? i meann...she alredy haf preparation dat dis will happen marh so in e end we ended up being scolded 4 more den an hr by both seniors n conductor. which entirely sux. n our seniors made a mountain out of a molehill. it's as if we dun go xiamen, everything else will collapse!! it's almost made into a threat---if we dun go xiamen, conductor will leave us alone n dun visit us much cos all her other choir gg overseas. no concert, no aim, no nid 2 practise. nex yr syf will fail n not get gold wif honours=no concert again nex yr. i mean hellooo is it really so damn serious? it's not as if i dun respect or take choir seriously...i jus dun feel a nid 4 dis setback in choir 2 b exaggerated.

after all, we all haf our own probs oso. we mus contribute in time, effort, money n miss sch jus 4 choir. which i dun tink is really really worth it. i like choir a lot but not enuf 2 make mi sacrifice so much...n i'm sorri 2 admit dat pt. den i had 2 entertain 2 40mins of lecture bout e lodging fees 4 xiamen n e food n transport n e blahblahblah crappy issues. after trudging bac 2 e busstop at 6pm, i waited 4 10mins den stood e rest of e journey home under e pressure of my heavy backpack. stood 40mins straight on a CROWDED bus wif a HEAVY WEIGHT...some kinda record huh? den came bac home wif a absolutely foul mood. phewwww much much better now...

life is jus so full of crap. everything goes e opposite way i had imagined dat it will go. bad stuff happen more often den gd. n somehow my mind jus choses 2 rmbr e bad stuff more vividly den e gd ones. e gd ones dat i wanna rmbr r instead pushed 2 e side of my mind n stored as fuzzy memories dat i vaguely can grasp from my whirling whirlpool of tots. i jus rmbr e bad stuff lyk yellin n shoutin n cryin n loniless n e negative side better. it's lyk those things r imprinted in my mind. i cant try 2 4get them n dey hang over mi lyk a dark shadow n always remind mi of e bitter life i've gone thru. i jus dun get it. how i wish i can literally lose my mind n act as a retard 4 one dae. if i were blind, i wun c e evil in e world n i wun c e violence displayed n i wun c social prejudice n discrimination n i wun hafta watch my own tears drip down my face. if i were deaf, i wun hafta listen 2 e continuous screamin,yellin,naggin...i wonder how my life will b if e windows 2 my soul were closed. i wonder if i would suffer from any hardships or if i would b happier instead. i wonderrrrr...

yet another new yr of sch...sighz

Tuesday, January 03, 2006, 6:08 PM

2dae was e 1st dae of sch...we din do anything, no lessons or anything. but lessons r gonna start 2moro. so far, my maths, sc, hist, LA teacher haf changed. so haf my form teacher. or form teachers...seriously, i dunno y e sch assigned us TWO form teachers...as if one wasnt enuf...our class is not so bad on discipline is it??

so tmr lessons gonna start. same thing again. ouch...my head hurts. i went 2 BED at bout 10pm. but i went 2 SLEEP at 11pm+ sighh guess i'm jus not quite used. after all, i always slept at 12am++ during e holz. hard 2 believe dat another year has past. it was lyk so fast!! everything jus a whirlwind. black n white. fast mo. i jus stand in e middle of e crowd, infront of all e activity going on n watch ppl past by mi. dey neva really notice mi or hear mi cos e world is 2 big n e society is making 2 much noises. if dey bumped into mi, dey'll jus brush their shoulders n walk off, as if i'm invisible. dat's how i feel. i dun wanna b recognised by e whole world lyk britney spears. but i dun wanna remain annoymous all my life. i jus wanna b accepted. i din realise dat it was so hard. one yr in nygh has exposed mi 2 how mean ppl can b. n i've learnt a new word: backstabbers. in pri sch we neva had dis stuff...we're all so happi n nobody's considered popular etc. wad a pity i had 2 leave dat shred of innocence behind.

i tink when i enter e society 2 face all those ppl when i grow up 2 work...it will b worse. it's more den comparing studies n lookin at who has e lastest stuff or e most "in" things. it'll b competing 4 more pay, higher salary, greater jobs. everybody jus wanna stay lyk a kid. dey sae dat schooling period is e gr8est time of e life. enjoy it. i cant. i'm jus 2 sick of learning, studying, doing hw. i'm jus 2 tired of being pushed about lyk a rag doll n being left out. i tink i've got a lot of frenz. but they're jus phonies. dey noe mi. but yet dey dunno mi. dey jus dun understand. nobody does. reality's jus 2 cruel. life's jus 2 unfair. n it sux.

happie new yr!!

Monday, January 02, 2006, 5:19 PM

how fast it is, another new yr...i was jus at my mum's D&D on a countdown last sat n i had soooo much fun...so sad dat 2moro sch reopen...dat'll mean endless hours of projects,hw and e usual boring droning from the teachers hahahz how fun...i definitely gonna look 4ward 2 dat rite, so as usual here comes my new year resolutions:

i hereby resolve 2:
-make new friends n not stay so invisible or unwelcomed
-take a step back when it comes 2 arguments wif my parents (ugh, sumthing i'd rather NOT do)
-get 70++% 4 the EOY
-get a perfect skin 4 dis blog
-not be so depressed n pessimistic all e time(i doubt i can do dis)
-continue 2 kip inn touch wif all my P6 frenz
-believe in hope n faith
-improve tremendously in my vocab
-get my LA hauled up n kip up my results in humanz
-not b so stubborn(but again if dis isnt in my personality, i wun b mi)
-tok 2 someone else 4 a change instead of myself
-be accepted by all
-be nice n buy pressies 4 frenz n on teacher's dae