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Une fille comme moi
Je t'aime plus que hier, moins que demain ♥
Welcome to the blog of a 17yearoldgirl, where she posts her mindless musings and ramifications.
This is extremely private;
cos this is where she dreams, sleeps and cries.
She lives. 		"We can catch buses and count our change and cross the roads and talk real sentences.
but our innocence goes awfully deep,
and our discreditable secret is that we don’t know anything at all,
and our horrid inner secret is that
we don’t care that we don’t."
ohnomakethisstop
Thursday, July 30, 2009, 1:32 AM
And here I go again.
And I fall. And fall.
And when I've hit the ground I try to find somewhere else to fall.
And I never let go.

There are these patterns I see in my life.

I've known about them for years.
I've just never done anything about them.
I've just never thought it would matter.
I've just recently discovered that they are consuming me.

Do you think it will ever stop?
I need to make it stop. I need to stop wasting time. Promos are only 9 weeks away.
I need to organise my life, every minute and second.
I need to have some motivation, an aim, a goal.
Something to keep me afloat in this mess.

I cannot afford to make anymore mistakes or screw ups.

Music I'm listening to to keep myself sane: Swim - Jack's Mannequin, Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap.

when the ice freezes over
Saturday, July 25, 2009, 1:43 PM
As requested, here's another photo of me when I was young. I'll be periodically posting more photos of myself (:
I was squinting in this photo, cos the winter sun was just too bright. This was me when I was 3, skating on the freezed over lake near my paternal grandparents' place. Behind me stands the tower for the local TV station...I still remember I sung karaoke there with my dad once in a checked green sundress during summer.

All the nostalgia is making me sad again.
This is how I feel right now. I don't remember sesame street, barney or hi5, wasn't a big fan of those. But I remember watching Noddy to improve my english every sunday morning.

je ne sais pas ce que faire
Wednesday, July 22, 2009, 9:17 PM
These few days I've been running not on adrenaline but on stress and hormones. And it's making me so PMSy that it scares even myself. I guess it's because of a lot of factors that I've been bottling up inside me, and then on tuesday, after I got back another D for bio, everything just came crashing down on me. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to cry in front of a teacher in the staff room. How defeated I felt when I had to hide in the toilet to let myself loose. I just don't know what I should do right now...I don't how where I went wrong. I don't know what to do. I want to change things so badly but I can't. I need to find myself, find new motivation and move on...but I don't know how to get started. I'm like one of those old cars that need oiling and startups 10 times before I get roaring.

To make things worse, the haircut I got was horrible. I specifically told the stupid hairdresser to only TRIM my hair and layer it more thinly and yes, I got thinly layered hair but also EXTREMELY SHORT thinly layered hair. I fucking hate that hairdresser. And she nearly screwed my fringe as well, but thank god I can see the front and I stopped her in time. I am never EVER going to cut my hair at the hairdresser's again. I shall only visit salons next time.

And sometimes I wish that I haven't invested so much of my time and emotions into people...because in the end, everyone has the ability to hurt you...you just have to figure out who's worth the pain. And I really don't know whether you're worth the pain anymore. I wrote a "You" poem below.

"is it possible, finally, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? we can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close are we able to come to that person’s essence? we convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?”
— haruki murakami, the wind-up bird chronicle

You.
You are the phone calls at midnight.
You are my fairytale storybook.
You are my agony aunt.
You are the reflection in the puddles of water.
You are the shadow in my mind.
You are grass in the fields.
You are the laughter in the wind.
You are my secret.
You are my smile wrinkles.
You are not mine at all.

spiraling out of control
Friday, July 17, 2009, 10:26 PM
When I was small, I wished I would grow up faster and I used to fantasize what would happen when I turn seventeen or eighteen. How fun my life would be. But now, I realised that as with everything goes, losing something will always make you treasure it more. And so I mourn for my fleeting childhood. I mourn for the lost innocence. And I mourn for my happiness.

Me, in Tian An Men Square

It all seems so surreal right now, all the things I had and the person I used to be.
Looking at things the way they are right now, nothing seems to be going on the right track. I can't see how this mess is going to sort itself out so that I can get a scholarship to US at the end of these two years in HC. I screwed up my blocks horribly...most disappointing because I studied but I didn't yield (as usual). Chem was the most disappointing I guess...but that was because I lost so many marks for essay qns. Bio won't turn out pretty either cos I already -15m because of one whole unattempted qn. And GP, I did ok for essay but bad for compre so I still got a C and math was the only one within my expectations. I don't expect much for econs either...OMFG. I probably won't get a single A and I think my chances of getting B's for bio and econs is quite low too.

I feel like crying.

Seeing how promos will be as hard or maybe even harder than blocks, I would probably need to score an A for promos in order to get an A for most subjects, which seems pretty impossible. And how can I take up a bloody H3 like this?! And no H3 pratically = at least having my chances halved for getting a scholarship??? Because I don't exactly have an overstuffed CCA record. Today hearing Mr Chan taking about all those awards and stuff just made me feel extremely stressed cos I know my current results won't get me anywhere. It made me more stressed knowing that promos is just two bloody months away, stuffed with tons of lecture tests/quizzes etc in between. I don't know how I can revise in these two months with so much crap going on.

And in the middle of all this, I am screwing up my sleep time and my hormones, getting a horrible breakout and feeling fat. I think I am officially in a mid life crisis. No, I mean pre-midlife crisis.

Oh no. I seriously don't know how I can make this right again. Somebody help me please...

Tmr I'll have PW speech training and then I can't make it for Qihao's bday celebration cos I'm going to a scholarship&uni fair at suntec with melly on sunday...which doesn't seem to have much of a point now.


L'imperfection est la cime
Wednesday, July 08, 2009, 11:00 AM
Yves Bonnefoy
There was this:
you had to destroy, destroy, destroy.
There was this:
salvation is only found at such a price.

to ruin the naked face that rises in the marble,
to hammer at every beauty every form.

love perfection because it is the threshold
but deny it once known, once dead forget it,

imperfection is the summit.

Sometimes I wish I can stop caring about everything; my results, my parents, myself...and just die down and sleep for a hundred years. Wake up, then see what happens to the world. If it's bad, maybe I'll just morph myself into a body of water and wait for myself to be evaporated, then rain myself on those below, again and again. Perhaps that is even better than life, since life is not only routine, but contains so much more undesirable things.

Once upon a time...
Sunday, July 05, 2009, 4:15 PM

Elle est le plus mignone enfant que j'ai vu. Et elle a seulement quatre ans, et son français est meilleur que moi, et elle a les yeux de la taille des tasses. Littéralement.

Just thought I'll share with everyone this cute girl (: I swear she'll make your day. Her name matches her cute face! It's Capucine. Translation of the above text:

She is the cutest child I have ever seen. And she is only 4 years old and her french is better than me and she has eyes the size of saucers. Literally.

Trying to study at home but I just can't absorb anything. I wasted saturday away and sunday's now nearly wasted too. I just can't seem to get the words into my head or focus on my work ): THIS SUCKS. Going out with my mum to catch Duplicity @vivo later...tickets are so hard to get for that one, because it's full house every single night. I think it'll be good...will blog on it later.


where do i go from here?
Saturday, July 04, 2009, 11:47 PM
"When life throws shit at you, throw it back in handfuls and laugh at its face." What if I'm just too tired to throw back shit? Or too sick to make lemonade?

Even though blocks are now over already, I think in fact I feel sadder than I was before blocks. I know I will pretty much screw all the subjects for blocks, because for chem, I didn't manage to have time to finish the essay questions. For math, I literally anyhow did the questions because I just DONT KNOW HOW TO DO. And for bio, I thought I was going to get an A before I saw that I didn't complete ONE ENTIRE QUESTION worth 15 marks. It was such a slap in the face. I feel like it's nearly everytime that I try to put in effort and time real hard to work for something, I just fail to get it. Blocks is going to ruin everything. When my results come back, I'll probably get scolded by my parents...even if they don't scold me, I'll know what they will probably be thinking, because they just got the phone bill today. And apparently, I had more than 1320 mins worth of call time from 18 May to 19 June.

I was shocked by the amount of time I spend calling people too. So if everything falls apart, I have nobody and no other factors to blame but myself. As usual. It doesn't make things easier that my parents are arguing again...and that my dad is being a bastard. He is forever using the com to play weiqi and he'll just not talk to anyone and sit there for hours playing. He doesn't do housework, he doesn't help my mum with things, he doesn't want to talk...yeah basically he's just being a jerk. I'm sorry if you find it offensive to insult my own father, but that's the way it is.

I thought a get together dinner at wm's house will bring my moods up after blocks but apparently that was a flop. I just can't get over the fact that I'm so lousy. And although I really have to thank him for the dinner and all, cos whenever I'm there, I lose the sense of time...and that's a great feeling (: But talking to Wayne for several hours made me realise that I'm so mediocre and average...and I don't even have confidence in myself for the dream that I have; which is to get into Ivy League on a scholarship. It seems so unrealistic at this point. Scholarship+Ivy League are for those people with straight A's, great CCA record, fantastic portfolio overstuffed with CIP hours, leadership experiences, workshops and whatnot...for people like ch_l_ng, not me.

I am...just someone struggling to stay afloat in the choppy waves of life.

And I shall leave you with a quote -
"the saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. you know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, “no, I’m happy for you”? that’s when it’s really sad.”
— john mayer

Seems to me that I'm not really that sad yet...because my tear ducts just can't seem to release a stream of fluid that is enough for me to express the depth of my disappointment.

So much for nothing
Wednesday, July 01, 2009, 6:32 PM
Taking chem block test has made me irritable and in a foul mood for the entire afternoon, right till now. Paper 1 was ok, but I screwed up paper 2. Why is it that everytime I put in effort for chem, I still screw things up in the end? I do not want to continue ranting about how badly I did, it would probably go on to be more than 500 words. I need to focus on not letting Mr Loo down now.

I don't understand myself. I can never get things done when I go home unless I slack for like 2hours. Which was what I did again today. Sometimes I find that I have quite pathetic self discipline and it always end up being the first but never realised wish on my list of new year resolutions. I wonder why I don't get sick of making it my first new year resolution already.

Rumi is now my saviour and my muse. I shall wallow my sorrows in the pretty clothes that she own, and oogle at her amazing styling. Below are some looks that I want to emulate. And I think PWP is catching up on her 2 months later, because they just released a Stolen Girlfriends' Club inspired mesh dress(last photo), which Rumi posted on fashiontoast during the month of April.

Extremely unorthodox AND super edgy. I wanna get it (it's $32) but I'm scared I don't have the guts to pull it off. Imagine the stares people will give me when I wear this and walk out onto the streets. I get stared at already when I wore highwaisteds last year together with a topshop high collared blue satin blouse [got it at a steal of $16]. And it's not even over the top. That's what I dislike about Singapore. GET SOME STYLE ALREADY PEOPLE! If not, learn to accept styles.



(photos credit to the lovely Rumi -fashiontoast.com and pandaswithpistols.blogspot.com)