I honestly don't know where to start. I don't understand why the relationship between me and my mum is like so strained right now. I have this feeling that if my mum was someone I met in school, we probably won't talk to each other cos our personalities just clash. I didn't mean to hurt her nor did I meant for it to come to this, the way she said we are - just arguing whenever we talk - bcos I treat her really bad. I don deny that the generation gap comes into play and sometimes I just get really cranky and don't talk to my parents nicely. I always get very irritated cos it's like I can't seem to have a proper conversation with them cos half of the time I'll need to repeat myself and/or explain to them what certain words mean or what's the thingy that's going on in school and the like. Maybe you can argue that the reason I need to explain is cos I don't talk to them often enough to understand but it's more of like cos they've never been through the Singapore education systems and know nuts about it and I just can't seem to find stuff to talk about to them unlike so many of my girlfriends.

So I'm venting it out all here by writing a letter to my mum (sorry if you can't bear this just skip it)

I have never meant for things to become this bad. I have never meant to hurt you. I don't know what to do. You know sometimes I just can't control how I feel or the things I say...and I'm...sorry. Really. You know actually I've started to plan for your bday even before promos. I thought about baking you a cake, I got my dad to sponsor me for the cake tin, I started browsing through dozens of baking websites looking for the perfect recipe, and I got down to buying the ingredients one week before your bday next Sunday. I really put thought into this whole affair and I thought I'm going to give you a good bday even despite all the mean things you said to me. Even though you scolded me like shit on my bday.

Do you know how tiring it is to live with you and your fiery temper since I was born? When I was small and when you screamed at me for the slightest things, I'll always end up crying the way I am now. And now it seems like both of us have the same shifty temper and so you tell me you'll rather die than be at my beck and call. You are not my maid. And that if I continue to treat you badly we can end up not talking to each other, I'll move out when I turn 18, and we can just carry on with each others' lives as though I was never your daughter. And oh, you tell me until I learn how to speak to you politely I can forget about getting my allowance or any other payment that needs to be made by you.

Well thank you, I am really speechless and helpless. Sometimes I am really so sick and drained by you. We just can't get along. I can't tell share with you the clothes I bought cos you hate shopping and don't like the way I dress. You don't like having your makeup or nails done. You scream as long as you think I'm being disrespectful to you. Do you really think raising voices will intimidate me and help to mitigate the situation or even make yourself feel better? Do you really think cutting my finances will change the way I feel?

Sometimes I really hate having to rely on you for money because I'd always feel like it's still not my money and so I can't spend it on whatever I please. Without financial freedom leaves me so vulnerable to having to obey almost everything you say. It's this idea of who ever is richer counts and since everything I have is financed by you, I should listen to everything you think is right or good for me, like eating fish for example.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Nor do I feel like having to further dicuss this with you 6 hours later. Please just leave me.

Yesterday - or should I say the day before yesterday, since it's past 1.24AM now - was the end of promos finally! And it's funny, because this time after promos ended, I wasn't feeling as depressed as after blocks. Even though I may not necessarily do better in promos than blocks :/ You know after blocks even though I had like a post block party at wm's but then after the dinner I didn't talk to anyone much cept for Wayne cos I was moody. Gosh I haven't seen him in ages now. Or at least it seems so to me.